A runners thoughts...

Fear is crippling. If you let it do that. I feel like I invite too much of it into my life, and it is time for it to make its exit.

BYE!

It's funny though. I started this blog a few days ago in a different mood than I am in now. I started it with the feeling of anxiety, as is the story of my life. Always anxious.  But as of this moment, while I was talking to Joz  about working out and dieting and etc etc I realized something. She already has it in her head that she can't alter her eating habits to accommodate a healthier lifestyle/ working out. Which to me just sounds like negativity and a deterrent in the air. Now,  I know that this seems kind of unrelated but not really.  Doubt is negativity. Fear is negativity and it is a work in progress to remove all negativity from my life.

I've been thinking a lot. Because as you can tell from my previous blog that I was/ am in a state of limbo for lack of a better word.  I know where I want to be with regards to fall 2013 but that is an entire year and change away and it is just to find something to do in between then and now. I have my running to keep me occupied and God willing a new job sooner than later. My hope with regards to job employment wavers because it has and will always be a daunting experience but something will happen. My time will come. 

I am thankful for this bit of clarity that I needed ever so much. But in other news, well kinda new news, this running.. MAN.

I ran 9.14 miles yesterday at 8:49 per mile. This includes stop lights.  I would have kept going if my knees didn't give out on a broad. I must say that despite how tired I am today I an unbelievably proud of myself. I never thought that I would be able to get here even though in theory it sounded logical. Regardless of how easy, and I use the term loosely, it is for me to run around Prospect Park. Those first few miles are ALWAYS a struggle. Admittedly, it is getting easier and I can tell that I am getting stronger. Mental and physical strength make those runs more enjoyable. I said that I wanted to hit a solid 10 miles by the summer and look! Summer isn't even here yet but i am not far from my goal. The next step after 10 miles is 13.1 - HALF MARATHON

Crazy. Which means I should probably register for the NYC Marathon because the weather is relatively consistent as well as my running. I can work my way up to that 26.2  Because I am a third of the way there. Feels damn good to say that. So as to maintain all the glory that are these runs I now have to introduce more dietary supplements and remove a bunch of shit. Long story short, healthy living. More water. More fruit. More vegetables. More Protein.  Small weights.  Sort of unrelated- I haven't had sex in over a month and even that I feel good about. Energy preservation. LOL

I'll leave this blog right here. Good night. =)

...

Do you write for sake of writing or do you write so people can read it? Just a thought.

I write for myself. If you so happen to encounter my infrequent ramblings, then fine. Comment, or not. I am indifferent either way. Im consistently inconsistent. I don't have the energy or rather the patience to just sit and allow my fingers to tap against me keys to produce lord knows what.

I'm tired. Of a lot. People. Things. Sometimes myself.

I've started running again. Like not no casual run around the park in under half an hour. Long ass runs just because I feel like it. I ran (according to what I have logged) 17.72 miles this week. You would think that I am training for something. Well, yes and no. Yes, in theory I am working my way up to a solid 10 miles or half marathon. No, because I am just running because it makes me happy. Makes me feel good mentally and physically. Despite the fact that I should honestly be weight training instead of so much running, I do it anyway. I am 5'10 and 125 as of last Thursday. Underweight, I know but I am healthy. I don't know about the whole weight training/ lifting thing but I'm just going to attempt increasing my caloric intake. Attempt. I might go take a hiatus from typing and go look food. Craving fish sticks. Don't ask. LOL

So that explains my fatigue, the physical aspect anyway. With regards of being tired of myself? Things I know I need to change. Unsure of how to go about it. Scared to go about it. Too lazy to try. Wondering what I am doing wrong. Having no absolute idea of where to start or what  have you. I know that these are all incomplete sentences. I write how I think. I don't have mastery of grammar but I think I am pretty decent and can get away with typing like this every now and then. I need to find out what truly makes me happy. Just in one of those phases where I feel blah about things.  Jesus be a call back. A gift in that form.    Surprise me with that type of change.

People wise? Withdrawn a bit. Not responding to my girls' email chain as often (5x a week).  People I just don't feel like seeing. My tolerance is just low with regards to socializing and work wise. I just can't be bothered. Maybe a day with my girls will change that. But mostly everyone else? MEH.

HOWEVER,
I have been spending some considerable time with Greg. We still care a lot for each other.  That's apparent. I am very thankful that I can talk to him openly about whatever. Our relationship (formerly a couple and our current status), other people and just life in general. It's really dope.  Even though I honestly have no idea where we will end up, at least I know that I have a friend.

What else is going on.. Hmmm Mom is allergic to Ranch sunflower seed... and subsequently Benadryl... Damn near scared me this week due to her ER visits
My hair is growing back nicely
Ummm.. Ive been going to Museums of lately. Feeling cultured and what not ^_^

And while I still remember, why is it that people are so quick to say they miss you or wanna see you but never follow up on actions? And not even hang out or anything but even maintain healthy conversation.  I could go through my inbox and look but it's not worth it. So many men. A waste of time. Im glad that I never invested much because you aren't worth it. At all.

And for a change, I feel like I have said all I've wanted to say. Tired anyway. Gotta brush the teeth and go night night.. Adieu