Dannielle, and Relationships

As a typical Aquarius, I have never been one pegged for relationships. I float from one guy to the next, never fully investing feelings. Care, yes. Emotions, no. Shameless flirt. Promiscuous depending on who's eyes look at me. Either way I'm usually single and quite happy with it. Every now and then, I find myself in a relationship. I can say I've been in 2 serious ones.

The first was Sean and that lasted all of 9 months. Ended on bad terms.  We broke up for the similar reasons but with opposite reasoning. He said "I'm not used to this relationship thing. I get tired of seeing and talking to the same person so often." I told him i don't read minds and granted him space. i didn't talk to him until 2 months afterwards and I insulted him at every waking opportunity I had. Now? We are civil. I would even go out on a limb and say that we are friends. He has his gf for some time now. She got a man jaw, but as long as he happy that's cool. His mom still ask for me though. HA.

The second is the one who I have mentioned in previous blogs, Greg. Ended on good(?) terms. I question it just because there are or were so many atypical facets of our relationship that it just made it seemingly odd. Greg and I got along fine no problem. Never argued. Discussed, but never argued.  First major issue we had revolved around my behavior, specifically regarding flirting. I toe the line he said.

Now before i go into this issue, recall my personality as described earlier. Shameless flirt. Happy single. Typically avoid relationships like the plague. Let's go.

I ask what is toeing the line? No answer, because that would be me possibly toying with his intelligence which he hates so much.

I ask who was I flirting with? No answer, because I know what I did

I ask what was I doing exactly? No answer, because I know what I did

Long story short, i ask specific questions only to get ambiguous ass answers with no form of clarity because I supposedly know what I did. I dont know that what Im doing is wrong because its my habit and when you dont make an attempt to correct my behavior, or help me correct it, DA FUCK IM S'POSED TA DO!?!

So boom... He said my actions will just be changed a little bit but my behavior or feelings towards u will not change. I automatically questioned that cuz that made no fucking sense to me what so ever but whatever. Time passes and despite him saying that, things do change. We start to noticeably talk less. No more good mornings or good nights. He not training. He begins salsa lessons. Yea.... So one Sunday we go for a walk and he asked if i noticed any changes.. and I say not really but it was him asking a "random" question only to come back to the main issue of him not backing up his word. If there is anything i know about Greg is that there is nothing random about that boy and everything he says is calculated. Any seemingly "random" question will find its way back into a later conversation. He cant bull shyt me to save his life.  He felt bad that he wasnt doing what he said he would. All it did was annoy me.

So again, here we are on another sunday  and long story short we or rather he decided that if it came to the point where the two of us couldnt handle his overbearing job requirements, we would mutually break up. His job was taking a toll on us and our relationship and its better if we were just friends. Fine. No problem. I had no say in the matter it seems. I dont think i ever really had a say in much things. I had the illusion of choices. It was always seemingly Gregs way or no way at all if there were situations not to his liking.

I felt sad about it for like 3 days. Crying most of the first and now not at all. I cared alot about Greg and I thought that it would have gone far but I guess thats over now. How are you supposed to go from bf/ gf to just friends or how we used to be which was speaking every week or so.. seeing each other like once a month.  It's hard to transition. In theory but im good right now. I aint even emotional writing this right now. I've known Greg for 9 months but we were a couple for 3. My relationships dont have longevity. One day i suppose. One day....

Now those who knew of Greg asked if it was something that I could have worked out. Nope. Just couldnt do it. His job was too much stress and on top of that, I just feel like I was in a relationship with 1984. George Orwell.  Big Brother, minus the thought police. I didnt feel like anything was sacred.  I didnt have a full peace of mind and if you dont have a full peace of mind, is it ever really worth it? I aint putting a price on sanity.

So there are comments from the peanut gallery. One said that he wasnt right for me. Another said that he wasnt giving me all he could. That Greg needed to give more.  I nod my head in fair accordance.

What made me laugh quietly to myself is what he told me when he called me the other day. His best friend said he thinks that Greg sabotaged the relationship. Im amused by that. Not chuckling and buckling over with laughter but it is worth a thought and I honestly do not know whether or not it is true. But for Greg to feel guilty about it, i guess it holds some truth. AP agrees with the sabotage theory. Me?  *Kanye Shrug* All I want to do right now is just get the things I left over there. There is so much schedule conflict  with me going by his crib to get my stuff, Im raising eyebrows. Honestly, idc about the clothes but I do want my face wash and pretty blue towel. My priorities are skewed.

I said earlier last week that I wish i had some kind of resentment for him because it would make the break up easier to deal with. In retrospect, I retract that statement. I want no feelings. Not caring is far worse than even hating him. Feeling nothing at all. I think I just pushed my feelings for him so far back that I dont even know what shadow of my mind they lurk in anymore.

I dont think that I will be in a relationship for a while again. It was cool while it lasted but its whatever. Summer is here. Im gonna be single (YAY!) Nothing better than single summers I tell ya boy. If it's meant to be, it shall. In the mean time, I will just be loving me.

What is Happiness to you?

I wrote this on my way from Katra on my iPod

I couldn't even answer the damn question which is wild especially considering I know things that make me happy. Or well, I think that they do. He told me to dwell on the question tonight.

He asked what am I about. There is more to me than meets the eye. I stand out in the crowd he said. An air of sophistication. The way I am dressed. The way I carry myself. Was I an English or philosophy major.

I'm destined for greatness. I'm destined to lead, not follow. I need a man who is going to let me be me. Let me be free. Someone is bringing me down and whenever the time comes, I need to be ready to go against them. Even if it is family.

I am one of the few people who can change the world. The next JFK. The next John Lennon. MLK. Kurt Cobain. I am meant to go far.  That is if I do not get sucked in and blended by society and if I heard correctly die young.

No kids right now but I will have 2. And my husband won't be black.

This is what I run into when I leave Katra.  Here I go thinking I was blending in. ...

Today's addition:

I didnt have much time to dwell on it last night.. went to the movies, came home, and went to sleep. I gotta admit. Freaked me out a bit when he stopped me. I too noticed him in the crowed. his earrings really. Nothing special. But i did notice him. Him asking me what happiness is for me really threw me for a loop because I couldnt even outright answer. I guess because I have had  better days but even so, I need to let that question stew a little bit more.

He said if I could wake up next to you the rest of my life I would...

My husband wont be black.  Ive been told this more than once. And first thing that comes to mind is Greg. I mean, its not set in stone that we will marry. Hell, we aint even engaged. It is just a nice idea/ thought that we play with. I mean he has white relative.. or is half white.. dont judge my unsureness... his background is peculiar ... but its just like damn... is this true

Now I can believe this seemingly crazy man or disregard all he said but that is kinda hard when the shyt he said made alot of sense...

i think that i will try to answer that question though

WHAT IS HAPPINESS TO YOU?

A Dream Deferred

A Dream Deffered
by Langston Hughes


What happens to a dream deferred?Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.Or does it explode?

Every time I read this poem in school I always wondered why are we analyzing this tired ass poem. I am tie- yerd of reading it. Thankfully it seldom surfaced past Black History Month. But as I find myself in the middle of what I have come to call a quarter life crisis, this poem makes more sense to me. I appreciate its meaning.

I had an interview yesterday to be an office manager for this Architectural Firm. I felt that this was a grande opportunity. I already run an office. I have the background knowledge. I thought it would be a shoe in. I thought that it would be a little foot hold. Maybe get my big toe in the door for a promising future. WRONG. My degree is working "against" me. In essence I am over qualified because should I ever get that engineering job I've been eyeing for the past 2 years, I'm leaving whatever office I am working at to pursue my dreams. Because I didn't get it, I feel like my dream is again deferred. I withheld my tears until i got to the lobby and walked the 5 blocks to Broadway, put on my shades and hid my puffy eyes from the world. Got to BK and made a retail therapy purchase and went about my day.

I hate this economy. I hate it so much. I never thought that it would ever be this bad. If I knew that I couldn't get a job within two years I would have just went to school, gotten my masters and at least "escape" briefly. Why did I bust my ass for five years only to keep putting my dreams on hold because employers are too scared to hire and those who want to hire can not hire due to budget freezes. Is this what my life is turning into? A dead end job with a technical degree?

My dream deferred is festering like the sore Hughes talks about. It goes for runs, but it comes back. It stinks like rotten meat. My nose turns up at the thought of my degree knowing that it's seemingly useless these days. Crust and sugar over like a syrupy sweet? My dream has the potential to do that, if I get into finance. The perk of having an engineering degree is that there are a myriad of directions that you can go career wise. However, I want to be an engineer. Dreams deferred makes me sag like a heavy load. I am so disheartened more than I can verbally express.

I was talkin to my fellow civil Tomas about this today. I came across a listing for an Assistant Civil Engineer position on the DCAS site. I will apply but I honestly dont expect much because 1- it is the city and 2- I'm losing hope, again

It hurts when you are in talks and you get your hopes up and then nothing happens.

It hurts before that even happens because there is nothing to apply to and then people get on you like you are not doing anything.

People are so quick to assume that people like Tomas and I sit on our ass waiting for our phone to ring or emails to show up with job offers that say "DROP YA SHYT RIGHT NOW! YOU, MY FRIEND, HAVE A JOB AWAITING!!!"

Naw, it aint remotely like that. Sometimes I go look at my degree and my eit certificate as a reminder that once upon a time i was productive. These days I really dont feel like I am. At all. Oh, would you like to know where my degree is? Underneath a pile of sweaters in my mother's closet still sitting in the same envelope it came in.

I am not where I thought I would be at 25. Those dreams well gone. Dead and buried and tulips have already sprouted from the burial site. "Here lies Dannielle's mid twenty dreams. They were great dreams. May they rest in peace"

LE SIGH...

Success at a young age I GUESS is overrated but when I see that my friends are successful it makes me wonder if I am a defect of my generation. They say good things come to those who wait and I often wonder when will it be my time to shine.

I feel ashamed of myself somedays. I feel like Greg should be with someone who is on his level. Im pretty enough, Im smart enough but I feel like a good job or rather something economically comparative would make it better. I could be talking pure horse shyt but I dont feel like I match up. Last week when I was out with him and AP, i got such a harsh reminder that I am no where near on their level and it hurts so much. I have learned in my years to mask alot of my feelings. But as they spoke over their respective positions and career duties over me, in essence I realized that shyt sucks and if I sat there for an extended period it would have killed my buzz. Much like how its killing my buzz now. To tell the truth, I felt like an outsider. I felt like I didnt belong. Recruiter, Director.. and me.. yeah.. I dont belong here. Point me to the nearest exit.

I sit here, and I cry because my life just seems like a waste right now. Waking up to go to a place I don't want to be. Depositing a small check that I somehow make work for me. Finding solace in my favorite treats, the new songs on my ipod/ Mushu, and hugs from my bf which makes me forget that the seeds of grass have not yet sprouted.

I don't want a hand out. I want to achieve my dreams on my own, but no man is an island. I can not do everything by myself. I just want to know, when is it my turn?

The Strike

Yes, I know it has been a while. I never claimed to be a consistent blogger. But here I am. Tada.

I just finished reading one hell of a novel. Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged. Sounds familiar? It should. It is in theaters now. I took it upon myself to read the book because I once attempted to read it and never succeeded. The book is 1,069 pages. Yes, that damn long AND it took 11 days but I finally finished it.

The book is so damn dense that it requires formidable concentration just to grasp what the characters are saying. Rand writes beautifully, I will not discredit that but she is long winded. One person was "speaking" for 30 pages. THIRTY PAGES. It's just a long book and not meant for casual readers.

If you follow me on twitter (@VexySpice) or are my friend on FB you may have seen some dense statements I made. This is from the book. Things I quoted, I pretty much agree with and/or felt that it was intriguing enough to be shared.

Things I picked up:

-One should not earn that which they have not deserved.

-Complete government control is no good. Let the producers produce and do not hand tie them. Low key republican. I don't know Rand's political affiliation though.

-"Refusal to recognize reality, for any reason whatever, has disastrous consequences"

Real eyes realize real lies. in laymans terms

"...Individual ability is of no consequence, that individual effort is futile, that an individual conscience is a useless luxury, that there is no individual mind or character or achievement, that everything is achieved collectively, and that it's the masses that count, not men."

Partial disagreement. I know that strength relies in numbers however, it is the act of one person that becomes a catalyst for movement. One significant act I would say. There lies some controversy in that statement.

"When a man declares: 'Who am I to know?' - he is declaring: 'Who am I to live?'"

Knowledge requires thought. I think, therefor I am. I don't thing, I am not. I don't exist. I am not real. I am a robot, in essence.

There are more things to the book than the minor things i have mentioned. Im just glad that I finished it. Its amongst the last tangible books I will read. Buying a nook this week.

Anyhoo.. happy sunday folks... This negro will ensue reading.