by Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
like a heavy load.
Every time I read this poem in school I always wondered why are we analyzing this tired ass poem. I am tie- yerd of reading it. Thankfully it seldom surfaced past Black History Month. But as I find myself in the middle of what I have come to call a quarter life crisis, this poem makes more sense to me. I appreciate its meaning.
I had an interview yesterday to be an office manager for this Architectural Firm. I felt that this was a grande opportunity. I already run an office. I have the background knowledge. I thought it would be a shoe in. I thought that it would be a little foot hold. Maybe get my big toe in the door for a promising future. WRONG. My degree is working "against" me. In essence I am over qualified because should I ever get that engineering job I've been eyeing for the past 2 years, I'm leaving whatever office I am working at to pursue my dreams. Because I didn't get it, I feel like my dream is again deferred. I withheld my tears until i got to the lobby and walked the 5 blocks to Broadway, put on my shades and hid my puffy eyes from the world. Got to BK and made a retail therapy purchase and went about my day.
I hate this economy. I hate it so much. I never thought that it would ever be this bad. If I knew that I couldn't get a job within two years I would have just went to school, gotten my masters and at least "escape" briefly. Why did I bust my ass for five years only to keep putting my dreams on hold because employers are too scared to hire and those who want to hire can not hire due to budget freezes. Is this what my life is turning into? A dead end job with a technical degree?
My dream deferred is festering like the sore Hughes talks about. It goes for runs, but it comes back. It stinks like rotten meat. My nose turns up at the thought of my degree knowing that it's seemingly useless these days. Crust and sugar over like a syrupy sweet? My dream has the potential to do that, if I get into finance. The perk of having an engineering degree is that there are a myriad of directions that you can go career wise. However, I want to be an engineer. Dreams deferred makes me sag like a heavy load. I am so disheartened more than I can verbally express.
I was talkin to my fellow civil Tomas about this today. I came across a listing for an Assistant Civil Engineer position on the DCAS site. I will apply but I honestly dont expect much because 1- it is the city and 2- I'm losing hope, again
It hurts when you are in talks and you get your hopes up and then nothing happens.
It hurts before that even happens because there is nothing to apply to and then people get on you like you are not doing anything.
People are so quick to assume that people like Tomas and I sit on our ass waiting for our phone to ring or emails to show up with job offers that say "DROP YA SHYT RIGHT NOW! YOU, MY FRIEND, HAVE A JOB AWAITING!!!"
Naw, it aint remotely like that. Sometimes I go look at my degree and my eit certificate as a reminder that once upon a time i was productive. These days I really dont feel like I am. At all. Oh, would you like to know where my degree is? Underneath a pile of sweaters in my mother's closet still sitting in the same envelope it came in.
I am not where I thought I would be at 25. Those dreams well gone. Dead and buried and tulips have already sprouted from the burial site. "Here lies Dannielle's mid twenty dreams. They were great dreams. May they rest in peace"
LE SIGH...
Success at a young age I GUESS is overrated but when I see that my friends are successful it makes me wonder if I am a defect of my generation. They say good things come to those who wait and I often wonder when will it be my time to shine.
I feel ashamed of myself somedays. I feel like Greg should be with someone who is on his level. Im pretty enough, Im smart enough but I feel like a good job or rather something economically comparative would make it better. I could be talking pure horse shyt but I dont feel like I match up. Last week when I was out with him and AP, i got such a harsh reminder that I am no where near on their level and it hurts so much. I have learned in my years to mask alot of my feelings. But as they spoke over their respective positions and career duties over me, in essence I realized that shyt sucks and if I sat there for an extended period it would have killed my buzz. Much like how its killing my buzz now. To tell the truth, I felt like an outsider. I felt like I didnt belong. Recruiter, Director.. and me.. yeah.. I dont belong here. Point me to the nearest exit.
I sit here, and I cry because my life just seems like a waste right now. Waking up to go to a place I don't want to be. Depositing a small check that I somehow make work for me. Finding solace in my favorite treats, the new songs on my ipod/ Mushu, and hugs from my bf which makes me forget that the seeds of grass have not yet sprouted.
I don't want a hand out. I want to achieve my dreams on my own, but no man is an island. I can not do everything by myself. I just want to know, when is it my turn?
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