No Pretty Ricky though. At 5 AM I was having a really dope conversation. Between lack of sobriety on his part and mostly fatigue on mine, I had quite the chat with this guy I met last night. I mean the time of this chat is neither here nor there (although I do find that the best conversations occur at ungodly hours of the day) but he made a rather valid statement. Your mid twenties are basically adult puberty.
I feel like as a 25 year old and perhaps other people within my age range go through what I have come to call a quarter life crisis. This falls between that time when you are not quite young as a 21 year old but not in your 30s where I feel that one should be formidably accomplished in life. I can not speak for others but I have had multiple occasions ( not often and not back to back) where I have questioned my purpose in life and what am I doing wrong to be where I am. I question (ed) what is it that makes me happy? What is success to me? How do I get there? So many questions and these are just to name a few. I found myself heavily disheartened by lack of job opportunities and lack of drive within myself. Saddened by the Catch 22 of employment. Saddened when I started to compare my status to others which is ultimately the worst thing to do. Discontent with oneself is a bitch.
I have moved past that for the most part and started working towards bettering myself as well as being content with self, which is no light feat. Got off my ass (and literally in one sense ) and got moving. Although I have fallen off the wagon of grad school I did start looking stuff up and I do have drafts of admissions essays. I started applying to jobs. I mean there aren't a lot but I did. I am just generally trying to work on me. Its in progress. Perpetually.
2012 will be quite the year considering I see a WHOLE lot of changes. I will be a better me. I promise you that.
Seemingly pointless blog.. But hey, Im blogging.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
The year in review
Last official blog post was a full 6 months ago. Me + Blogs + Dedication = DNE (Does Not Exist). However, in light of my other friends blogging more frequently, I decided I should try again. This time maybe I will actually click the submit button for it to be shared. I could let this fade completely into oblivion (being that I let my tumblr page do that) but my friend Jessica requested a link to my blog. Why? She would like to reference the person from whom she got pointers for running a 5K from no other person than this kid. *Points to self*
Yes, Ive started running again. Story of my life. Back and forth with everything I do. I try to spare myself that with men. Everything else tho I always come back to it. I guess it's ADD of some sort. Either way, I am back on my running kick. No pun intended. I find myself hoofing it around the park again because I am aiding Annie in her goal to get in shape. I too need to do the same, but for different purposes. I plan on running during the winter so that by the time spring approaches I'll be nice and lively and able to buss out a good 7 miles on any given day. Border line lunacy? Perhaps. Feasible? Definitely. End goal? Marathon. And I WILL get there.
But back to the actual post. Year in review which may be a little premature being 2 weeks shy of the new year. I figure I should write it closer towards the end but something tells me that that will not happen so I better get it all out while i have the inclination to do so.
2011 was an interesting one. That I will say. Full of ups and downs and curve balls. Twelve months is a long time. So much happened I barely know where to start. Aside from the obvious, I really don't know. In no particular order.
My 25th Birthday. Calm and Enjoyable
Got with Greg. Broke up with Greg.
Went to Miami with the girls. (July)
Went to Vegas with my sister and another set of negros (October)
Got my tattoo finished ( finally)
Cut my hair short in march. Started growing it back in July. I know. Mess.
Met some of the CKs
Found a great set of ladies with whom I can talk to about anything.
And that's pretty much the gist of my 2011. I don't remember anything I set out to do. I won't even set out for anything in 2012 either. I decided that it's better for me to keep it real generic because specific goals might not get accomplished and i'll just be sad at the fact I didn't do it. 2011 was a good year. I will not shy from the statement and I only expect 2012 to be better. Having cut off a lot of bad seeds and finding things that made and make me happy made for an enjoyable year. I plan to continue working on bettering myself in every which way possible. I have much growth to do. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Just everything, and that's fine. Im 25. I have time.
Well, here goes my year in review. Maybe if Im frisky I'll write something tomorrow. Who knows...
Yes, Ive started running again. Story of my life. Back and forth with everything I do. I try to spare myself that with men. Everything else tho I always come back to it. I guess it's ADD of some sort. Either way, I am back on my running kick. No pun intended. I find myself hoofing it around the park again because I am aiding Annie in her goal to get in shape. I too need to do the same, but for different purposes. I plan on running during the winter so that by the time spring approaches I'll be nice and lively and able to buss out a good 7 miles on any given day. Border line lunacy? Perhaps. Feasible? Definitely. End goal? Marathon. And I WILL get there.
But back to the actual post. Year in review which may be a little premature being 2 weeks shy of the new year. I figure I should write it closer towards the end but something tells me that that will not happen so I better get it all out while i have the inclination to do so.
2011 was an interesting one. That I will say. Full of ups and downs and curve balls. Twelve months is a long time. So much happened I barely know where to start. Aside from the obvious, I really don't know. In no particular order.
My 25th Birthday. Calm and Enjoyable
Got with Greg. Broke up with Greg.
Went to Miami with the girls. (July)
Went to Vegas with my sister and another set of negros (October)
Got my tattoo finished ( finally)
Cut my hair short in march. Started growing it back in July. I know. Mess.
Met some of the CKs
Found a great set of ladies with whom I can talk to about anything.
And that's pretty much the gist of my 2011. I don't remember anything I set out to do. I won't even set out for anything in 2012 either. I decided that it's better for me to keep it real generic because specific goals might not get accomplished and i'll just be sad at the fact I didn't do it. 2011 was a good year. I will not shy from the statement and I only expect 2012 to be better. Having cut off a lot of bad seeds and finding things that made and make me happy made for an enjoyable year. I plan to continue working on bettering myself in every which way possible. I have much growth to do. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Just everything, and that's fine. Im 25. I have time.
Well, here goes my year in review. Maybe if Im frisky I'll write something tomorrow. Who knows...
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Black Beauty
No, this blog will not be about the horse but about the beauty of black people, specifically women and how we see see ourselves and others.
Its no secret that the way we look at ourselves was conditioned from days of slavery. Field slave versus house slave evolved into the brown bag test and here we are today. Despite no longer being physical slaves, the slave mentality still exists and we constantly berate ourselves and each other.
I have had various versions of this conversation with people. Let me take it in parts.
Black Women & Hair
There is nothing more controversial than a black woman and her hair. Hair has heavy connotation with beauty in the black community, regardless of how you have it. You can't please these people at all. For most of my life I had long, thick, healthy hair. Many people were jealous of my hair because I mean seriously, how many black girls did you know growing up with long hair. Don't worry, I'll wait because I know it's not many. Either way, I was always praised for having long hair, however I found it to be dull and gradually grew scissor happy approaching adulthood. Of course cutting my hair was met with much criticism. I could give a rats ass about how people felt. No one was dealing with my hair except me, my mama, and the hair salon. You have ZERO input. So I went from long, to medium, to bob, to precision. My bob was awesome and it's my second favorite cut. After I did that I realized that I no long liked hair on my neck. Precision cuts though? That is my heart. I kept precision cuts for 4 months and then cut it all off. Talk about community hooplah. It wasn't even that I looked bad (I know I am not ugly) it was just unexpected. I was natural for 14 months. Had my fro on and rocking. I got tired of that and here I am again with a relaxer and a precision cut.
Now in that short space of about 3 years, throughout my many phases I have faced so much criticism, praise, adoration and attracted all kinds of men. Between relaxed and natural, most preferred my hair relaxed. I as well, just because I like combing my hair. Between short and long, most preferred long. No surprise, that seems to be the standard amongst black folk. Long, straight hair. Rastas, crazies, and naturalists (people just digging natural chicks) loved the fro. I loved it too, just not the work behind it. Most of my boys loved me with short cuts. Some were saddened when i got rid of the fro but eh... it's life. You cant always win.
I mean in the end, I did what I wanted because I seek to please no one else but myself. If you happen to like it too, then you lucked out. I say all of this because if you are weak minded you fall into the abyss of insecurity and will find yourself conforming to the hair trends just so that you will be deemed beautiful which can include some of the following: weaves, locks, shaved heads.. etc. Dont go natural because its in. Dont get long weaves because thats what people like. Do what works for you.
And to branch off slightly, let me say this about natural hair. I feel like A LOT of black people have it in their minds that we are "nappy headed hoes" when in actuality, all you need to know is how to treat your hair to have it work for you. Regardless of your curl pattern ( I was a 4b). Do your product research. You can have a magnificent natural coif for the thickest of hairs. There are even salons that cater to natural hair. Dont believe the hype. There is no such thing as good hair. You just gotta know how to deal with yours.
And if I haven't been clear enough, when ever you get a chance check out Chris Rock's "Good Hair"
Black is Beautiful (?)
Why do I question it? I never seen a set of people who discriminate each other so much because of skin complexion. Light skin versus dark skin. What about people who are part of neither group. Im brown skin! Tupac said "the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. I say the darker the fresh, the deeper the roots"
Yet, you have some dark skinned people wishing they were lighter, light skinned people wishing they were darker. Me personally? I like to tan. I get golden brown like a turkey. I have no preference with regards to whom I am attracted to. If you cute, you cute. I hate when people are like he/ she cute but they light/ dark skinned.. WTF THAT GOTTA DO WITH ANYTHING? There is one thing to have a preference of whom you are attracted to, but quite another to think that there is some kind of flaw with being light skinned or dark skinned.
Now the funniest thing is that white people are fascinated by black people. Our complexion. Our hair. Our culture. The various shades we come in. Varying hair textures and what we do with it. How they appreciate us but we don't appreciate ourselves?
S H A M E
Media Portrayal
Commercials/ advertisements always show the light skinned curly hair black folk. The darker tones get no love? Are the light skinned folk better than everyone else? OOO cant forget the light eyed negros either....Music videos might be the only thing that has diversity but even for a bit it was just the light skinned honeys getting love. Sorry to the dark sisters out there.
Going further back, cartoons even depicted us as being dark skinned and big lipped. Some cases it is applicable but that just goes to show you what society once thought and still does think of you. It's not flattering images most of the time and some people dont want to deal with that so they seek to change it as a means of "pleasing" society.
When media is not dealing with the aspect of physical appearance, our behavior/ mannerisms are brought to light and they don't reflect too kindly upon us. We have shows with the uppity black people who feel holier than thou. The ghetto ones. The bourgie ghetto ones. The intellectuals. All different types just to say the least. Baby mamas and baby daddys. Drug dealing up to no good men. You know it and I know it. All sorts of variety. More bad than good.
There isnt enough media out there to strengthen the way black people should feel about themselves. Even when you do have positive individuals in media it helps, but is still faced by criticism because of one thing: insecurity. For example: Beyonce. Great artist, great looking, successful, classy blah blah blah. I respect her grustle ( grind + hustle) . Dont like her one bit. People love her. She is a great role model but when you cannot deal with your own shortcomings/ insecurities, it transforms into hate. Unjust hate. And its sad that the people we should idolize, we don't because we low key envy them.
Shame....
I will always think that we, black people, are a beautiful people but after centuries of mal-conditioning from the days of slavery, media and self loathing, we wont ever truly appreciate our beauty.
Damn.
Its no secret that the way we look at ourselves was conditioned from days of slavery. Field slave versus house slave evolved into the brown bag test and here we are today. Despite no longer being physical slaves, the slave mentality still exists and we constantly berate ourselves and each other.
I have had various versions of this conversation with people. Let me take it in parts.
Black Women & Hair
There is nothing more controversial than a black woman and her hair. Hair has heavy connotation with beauty in the black community, regardless of how you have it. You can't please these people at all. For most of my life I had long, thick, healthy hair. Many people were jealous of my hair because I mean seriously, how many black girls did you know growing up with long hair. Don't worry, I'll wait because I know it's not many. Either way, I was always praised for having long hair, however I found it to be dull and gradually grew scissor happy approaching adulthood. Of course cutting my hair was met with much criticism. I could give a rats ass about how people felt. No one was dealing with my hair except me, my mama, and the hair salon. You have ZERO input. So I went from long, to medium, to bob, to precision. My bob was awesome and it's my second favorite cut. After I did that I realized that I no long liked hair on my neck. Precision cuts though? That is my heart. I kept precision cuts for 4 months and then cut it all off. Talk about community hooplah. It wasn't even that I looked bad (I know I am not ugly) it was just unexpected. I was natural for 14 months. Had my fro on and rocking. I got tired of that and here I am again with a relaxer and a precision cut.
Now in that short space of about 3 years, throughout my many phases I have faced so much criticism, praise, adoration and attracted all kinds of men. Between relaxed and natural, most preferred my hair relaxed. I as well, just because I like combing my hair. Between short and long, most preferred long. No surprise, that seems to be the standard amongst black folk. Long, straight hair. Rastas, crazies, and naturalists (people just digging natural chicks) loved the fro. I loved it too, just not the work behind it. Most of my boys loved me with short cuts. Some were saddened when i got rid of the fro but eh... it's life. You cant always win.
I mean in the end, I did what I wanted because I seek to please no one else but myself. If you happen to like it too, then you lucked out. I say all of this because if you are weak minded you fall into the abyss of insecurity and will find yourself conforming to the hair trends just so that you will be deemed beautiful which can include some of the following: weaves, locks, shaved heads.. etc. Dont go natural because its in. Dont get long weaves because thats what people like. Do what works for you.
And to branch off slightly, let me say this about natural hair. I feel like A LOT of black people have it in their minds that we are "nappy headed hoes" when in actuality, all you need to know is how to treat your hair to have it work for you. Regardless of your curl pattern ( I was a 4b). Do your product research. You can have a magnificent natural coif for the thickest of hairs. There are even salons that cater to natural hair. Dont believe the hype. There is no such thing as good hair. You just gotta know how to deal with yours.
And if I haven't been clear enough, when ever you get a chance check out Chris Rock's "Good Hair"
Black is Beautiful (?)
Why do I question it? I never seen a set of people who discriminate each other so much because of skin complexion. Light skin versus dark skin. What about people who are part of neither group. Im brown skin! Tupac said "the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. I say the darker the fresh, the deeper the roots"
Yet, you have some dark skinned people wishing they were lighter, light skinned people wishing they were darker. Me personally? I like to tan. I get golden brown like a turkey. I have no preference with regards to whom I am attracted to. If you cute, you cute. I hate when people are like he/ she cute but they light/ dark skinned.. WTF THAT GOTTA DO WITH ANYTHING? There is one thing to have a preference of whom you are attracted to, but quite another to think that there is some kind of flaw with being light skinned or dark skinned.
Now the funniest thing is that white people are fascinated by black people. Our complexion. Our hair. Our culture. The various shades we come in. Varying hair textures and what we do with it. How they appreciate us but we don't appreciate ourselves?
S H A M E
Media Portrayal
Commercials/ advertisements always show the light skinned curly hair black folk. The darker tones get no love? Are the light skinned folk better than everyone else? OOO cant forget the light eyed negros either....Music videos might be the only thing that has diversity but even for a bit it was just the light skinned honeys getting love. Sorry to the dark sisters out there.
Going further back, cartoons even depicted us as being dark skinned and big lipped. Some cases it is applicable but that just goes to show you what society once thought and still does think of you. It's not flattering images most of the time and some people dont want to deal with that so they seek to change it as a means of "pleasing" society.
When media is not dealing with the aspect of physical appearance, our behavior/ mannerisms are brought to light and they don't reflect too kindly upon us. We have shows with the uppity black people who feel holier than thou. The ghetto ones. The bourgie ghetto ones. The intellectuals. All different types just to say the least. Baby mamas and baby daddys. Drug dealing up to no good men. You know it and I know it. All sorts of variety. More bad than good.
There isnt enough media out there to strengthen the way black people should feel about themselves. Even when you do have positive individuals in media it helps, but is still faced by criticism because of one thing: insecurity. For example: Beyonce. Great artist, great looking, successful, classy blah blah blah. I respect her grustle ( grind + hustle) . Dont like her one bit. People love her. She is a great role model but when you cannot deal with your own shortcomings/ insecurities, it transforms into hate. Unjust hate. And its sad that the people we should idolize, we don't because we low key envy them.
Shame....
I will always think that we, black people, are a beautiful people but after centuries of mal-conditioning from the days of slavery, media and self loathing, we wont ever truly appreciate our beauty.
Damn.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Dannielle, and Relationships
As a typical Aquarius, I have never been one pegged for relationships. I float from one guy to the next, never fully investing feelings. Care, yes. Emotions, no. Shameless flirt. Promiscuous depending on who's eyes look at me. Either way I'm usually single and quite happy with it. Every now and then, I find myself in a relationship. I can say I've been in 2 serious ones.
The first was Sean and that lasted all of 9 months. Ended on bad terms. We broke up for the similar reasons but with opposite reasoning. He said "I'm not used to this relationship thing. I get tired of seeing and talking to the same person so often." I told him i don't read minds and granted him space. i didn't talk to him until 2 months afterwards and I insulted him at every waking opportunity I had. Now? We are civil. I would even go out on a limb and say that we are friends. He has his gf for some time now. She got a man jaw, but as long as he happy that's cool. His mom still ask for me though. HA.
The second is the one who I have mentioned in previous blogs, Greg. Ended on good(?) terms. I question it just because there are or were so many atypical facets of our relationship that it just made it seemingly odd. Greg and I got along fine no problem. Never argued. Discussed, but never argued. First major issue we had revolved around my behavior, specifically regarding flirting. I toe the line he said.
Now before i go into this issue, recall my personality as described earlier. Shameless flirt. Happy single. Typically avoid relationships like the plague. Let's go.
I ask what is toeing the line? No answer, because that would be me possibly toying with his intelligence which he hates so much.
I ask who was I flirting with? No answer, because I know what I did
I ask what was I doing exactly? No answer, because I know what I did
Long story short, i ask specific questions only to get ambiguous ass answers with no form of clarity because I supposedly know what I did. I dont know that what Im doing is wrong because its my habit and when you dont make an attempt to correct my behavior, or help me correct it, DA FUCK IM S'POSED TA DO!?!
So boom... He said my actions will just be changed a little bit but my behavior or feelings towards u will not change. I automatically questioned that cuz that made no fucking sense to me what so ever but whatever. Time passes and despite him saying that, things do change. We start to noticeably talk less. No more good mornings or good nights. He not training. He begins salsa lessons. Yea.... So one Sunday we go for a walk and he asked if i noticed any changes.. and I say not really but it was him asking a "random" question only to come back to the main issue of him not backing up his word. If there is anything i know about Greg is that there is nothing random about that boy and everything he says is calculated. Any seemingly "random" question will find its way back into a later conversation. He cant bull shyt me to save his life. He felt bad that he wasnt doing what he said he would. All it did was annoy me.
So again, here we are on another sunday and long story short we or rather he decided that if it came to the point where the two of us couldnt handle his overbearing job requirements, we would mutually break up. His job was taking a toll on us and our relationship and its better if we were just friends. Fine. No problem. I had no say in the matter it seems. I dont think i ever really had a say in much things. I had the illusion of choices. It was always seemingly Gregs way or no way at all if there were situations not to his liking.
I felt sad about it for like 3 days. Crying most of the first and now not at all. I cared alot about Greg and I thought that it would have gone far but I guess thats over now. How are you supposed to go from bf/ gf to just friends or how we used to be which was speaking every week or so.. seeing each other like once a month. It's hard to transition. In theory but im good right now. I aint even emotional writing this right now. I've known Greg for 9 months but we were a couple for 3. My relationships dont have longevity. One day i suppose. One day....
Now those who knew of Greg asked if it was something that I could have worked out. Nope. Just couldnt do it. His job was too much stress and on top of that, I just feel like I was in a relationship with 1984. George Orwell. Big Brother, minus the thought police. I didnt feel like anything was sacred. I didnt have a full peace of mind and if you dont have a full peace of mind, is it ever really worth it? I aint putting a price on sanity.
So there are comments from the peanut gallery. One said that he wasnt right for me. Another said that he wasnt giving me all he could. That Greg needed to give more. I nod my head in fair accordance.
What made me laugh quietly to myself is what he told me when he called me the other day. His best friend said he thinks that Greg sabotaged the relationship. Im amused by that. Not chuckling and buckling over with laughter but it is worth a thought and I honestly do not know whether or not it is true. But for Greg to feel guilty about it, i guess it holds some truth. AP agrees with the sabotage theory. Me? *Kanye Shrug* All I want to do right now is just get the things I left over there. There is so much schedule conflict with me going by his crib to get my stuff, Im raising eyebrows. Honestly, idc about the clothes but I do want my face wash and pretty blue towel. My priorities are skewed.
I said earlier last week that I wish i had some kind of resentment for him because it would make the break up easier to deal with. In retrospect, I retract that statement. I want no feelings. Not caring is far worse than even hating him. Feeling nothing at all. I think I just pushed my feelings for him so far back that I dont even know what shadow of my mind they lurk in anymore.
I dont think that I will be in a relationship for a while again. It was cool while it lasted but its whatever. Summer is here. Im gonna be single (YAY!) Nothing better than single summers I tell ya boy. If it's meant to be, it shall. In the mean time, I will just be loving me.
Friday, May 6, 2011
What is Happiness to you?
I wrote this on my way from Katra on my iPod
I couldn't even answer the damn question which is wild especially considering I know things that make me happy. Or well, I think that they do. He told me to dwell on the question tonight.
He asked what am I about. There is more to me than meets the eye. I stand out in the crowd he said. An air of sophistication. The way I am dressed. The way I carry myself. Was I an English or philosophy major.
I'm destined for greatness. I'm destined to lead, not follow. I need a man who is going to let me be me. Let me be free. Someone is bringing me down and whenever the time comes, I need to be ready to go against them. Even if it is family.
I am one of the few people who can change the world. The next JFK. The next John Lennon. MLK. Kurt Cobain. I am meant to go far. That is if I do not get sucked in and blended by society and if I heard correctly die young.
No kids right now but I will have 2. And my husband won't be black.
This is what I run into when I leave Katra. Here I go thinking I was blending in. ...
Today's addition:
I didnt have much time to dwell on it last night.. went to the movies, came home, and went to sleep. I gotta admit. Freaked me out a bit when he stopped me. I too noticed him in the crowed. his earrings really. Nothing special. But i did notice him. Him asking me what happiness is for me really threw me for a loop because I couldnt even outright answer. I guess because I have had better days but even so, I need to let that question stew a little bit more.
He said if I could wake up next to you the rest of my life I would...
My husband wont be black. Ive been told this more than once. And first thing that comes to mind is Greg. I mean, its not set in stone that we will marry. Hell, we aint even engaged. It is just a nice idea/ thought that we play with. I mean he has white relative.. or is half white.. dont judge my unsureness... his background is peculiar ... but its just like damn... is this true
Now I can believe this seemingly crazy man or disregard all he said but that is kinda hard when the shyt he said made alot of sense...
i think that i will try to answer that question though
WHAT IS HAPPINESS TO YOU?
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
A Dream Deferred
by Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
like a heavy load.
Every time I read this poem in school I always wondered why are we analyzing this tired ass poem. I am tie- yerd of reading it. Thankfully it seldom surfaced past Black History Month. But as I find myself in the middle of what I have come to call a quarter life crisis, this poem makes more sense to me. I appreciate its meaning.
I had an interview yesterday to be an office manager for this Architectural Firm. I felt that this was a grande opportunity. I already run an office. I have the background knowledge. I thought it would be a shoe in. I thought that it would be a little foot hold. Maybe get my big toe in the door for a promising future. WRONG. My degree is working "against" me. In essence I am over qualified because should I ever get that engineering job I've been eyeing for the past 2 years, I'm leaving whatever office I am working at to pursue my dreams. Because I didn't get it, I feel like my dream is again deferred. I withheld my tears until i got to the lobby and walked the 5 blocks to Broadway, put on my shades and hid my puffy eyes from the world. Got to BK and made a retail therapy purchase and went about my day.
I hate this economy. I hate it so much. I never thought that it would ever be this bad. If I knew that I couldn't get a job within two years I would have just went to school, gotten my masters and at least "escape" briefly. Why did I bust my ass for five years only to keep putting my dreams on hold because employers are too scared to hire and those who want to hire can not hire due to budget freezes. Is this what my life is turning into? A dead end job with a technical degree?
My dream deferred is festering like the sore Hughes talks about. It goes for runs, but it comes back. It stinks like rotten meat. My nose turns up at the thought of my degree knowing that it's seemingly useless these days. Crust and sugar over like a syrupy sweet? My dream has the potential to do that, if I get into finance. The perk of having an engineering degree is that there are a myriad of directions that you can go career wise. However, I want to be an engineer. Dreams deferred makes me sag like a heavy load. I am so disheartened more than I can verbally express.
I was talkin to my fellow civil Tomas about this today. I came across a listing for an Assistant Civil Engineer position on the DCAS site. I will apply but I honestly dont expect much because 1- it is the city and 2- I'm losing hope, again
It hurts when you are in talks and you get your hopes up and then nothing happens.
It hurts before that even happens because there is nothing to apply to and then people get on you like you are not doing anything.
People are so quick to assume that people like Tomas and I sit on our ass waiting for our phone to ring or emails to show up with job offers that say "DROP YA SHYT RIGHT NOW! YOU, MY FRIEND, HAVE A JOB AWAITING!!!"
Naw, it aint remotely like that. Sometimes I go look at my degree and my eit certificate as a reminder that once upon a time i was productive. These days I really dont feel like I am. At all. Oh, would you like to know where my degree is? Underneath a pile of sweaters in my mother's closet still sitting in the same envelope it came in.
I am not where I thought I would be at 25. Those dreams well gone. Dead and buried and tulips have already sprouted from the burial site. "Here lies Dannielle's mid twenty dreams. They were great dreams. May they rest in peace"
LE SIGH...
Success at a young age I GUESS is overrated but when I see that my friends are successful it makes me wonder if I am a defect of my generation. They say good things come to those who wait and I often wonder when will it be my time to shine.
I feel ashamed of myself somedays. I feel like Greg should be with someone who is on his level. Im pretty enough, Im smart enough but I feel like a good job or rather something economically comparative would make it better. I could be talking pure horse shyt but I dont feel like I match up. Last week when I was out with him and AP, i got such a harsh reminder that I am no where near on their level and it hurts so much. I have learned in my years to mask alot of my feelings. But as they spoke over their respective positions and career duties over me, in essence I realized that shyt sucks and if I sat there for an extended period it would have killed my buzz. Much like how its killing my buzz now. To tell the truth, I felt like an outsider. I felt like I didnt belong. Recruiter, Director.. and me.. yeah.. I dont belong here. Point me to the nearest exit.
I sit here, and I cry because my life just seems like a waste right now. Waking up to go to a place I don't want to be. Depositing a small check that I somehow make work for me. Finding solace in my favorite treats, the new songs on my ipod/ Mushu, and hugs from my bf which makes me forget that the seeds of grass have not yet sprouted.
I don't want a hand out. I want to achieve my dreams on my own, but no man is an island. I can not do everything by myself. I just want to know, when is it my turn?
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The Strike
Yes, I know it has been a while. I never claimed to be a consistent blogger. But here I am. Tada.
I just finished reading one hell of a novel. Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged. Sounds familiar? It should. It is in theaters now. I took it upon myself to read the book because I once attempted to read it and never succeeded. The book is 1,069 pages. Yes, that damn long AND it took 11 days but I finally finished it.
The book is so damn dense that it requires formidable concentration just to grasp what the characters are saying. Rand writes beautifully, I will not discredit that but she is long winded. One person was "speaking" for 30 pages. THIRTY PAGES. It's just a long book and not meant for casual readers.
If you follow me on twitter (@VexySpice) or are my friend on FB you may have seen some dense statements I made. This is from the book. Things I quoted, I pretty much agree with and/or felt that it was intriguing enough to be shared.
Things I picked up:
-One should not earn that which they have not deserved.
-Complete government control is no good. Let the producers produce and do not hand tie them. Low key republican. I don't know Rand's political affiliation though.
-"Refusal to recognize reality, for any reason whatever, has disastrous consequences"
Real eyes realize real lies. in laymans terms
"...Individual ability is of no consequence, that individual effort is futile, that an individual conscience is a useless luxury, that there is no individual mind or character or achievement, that everything is achieved collectively, and that it's the masses that count, not men."
Partial disagreement. I know that strength relies in numbers however, it is the act of one person that becomes a catalyst for movement. One significant act I would say. There lies some controversy in that statement.
"When a man declares: 'Who am I to know?' - he is declaring: 'Who am I to live?'"
Knowledge requires thought. I think, therefor I am. I don't thing, I am not. I don't exist. I am not real. I am a robot, in essence.
There are more things to the book than the minor things i have mentioned. Im just glad that I finished it. Its amongst the last tangible books I will read. Buying a nook this week.
Anyhoo.. happy sunday folks... This negro will ensue reading.
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